Jim Havens - son in the Son, husband and father, brother in Christ, missionary disciple. A sinner in need of grace.
Early On
Son of an Army pilot, I was born and Baptized in Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I then grew up in Grand Island, NY (a small town between Buffalo and Niagara Falls) as the middle of three children in a fairly typical suburban, nominal Catholic family. As an adolescent and teen, Jesus and the Gospel were about as real to me as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. The Catholic Faith appeared to me to be something adults tell children, but no one really believes it when they grow up. My parents divorced in my high school years and I decided to follow the "wisdom" of the secular culture, which basically led me down a path of agnostic hedonism and brought me further and further away from God each day. Lord, have mercy.
Son of an Army pilot, I was born and Baptized in Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I then grew up in Grand Island, NY (a small town between Buffalo and Niagara Falls) as the middle of three children in a fairly typical suburban, nominal Catholic family. As an adolescent and teen, Jesus and the Gospel were about as real to me as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. The Catholic Faith appeared to me to be something adults tell children, but no one really believes it when they grow up. My parents divorced in my high school years and I decided to follow the "wisdom" of the secular culture, which basically led me down a path of agnostic hedonism and brought me further and further away from God each day. Lord, have mercy.
Something New
As a young adult who had stopped going to Mass, I entered a Catholic church for the first time in a long time to go to a private Mass commemorating my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. Instead of the "feel-good" homily most would expect in this situation, the priest preached on the reality of the Holy Eucharist, the interior disposition needed to receive Him rightly, a catechesis on mortal sin, and even an exhortation to refrain from coming forward to receive Him if we do not believe that the Eucharist is really Jesus and/or if we are in a state of mortal sin. I was guilty of both.
I definitely believe it was the Holy Spirit who prompted the priest to say those things on that day, and I am incredibly grateful that he was courageous and bold enough to answer the call. I would later hear that others in attendance did not care much for what was said, but for me, it was an entirely new vision that I had never heard before. At the very least, I recognized the authenticity of this man - here is someone who really believes that Jesus and the Catholic Faith is real. And while I did not yet believe, the logic of being honest enough to not pretend to believe made sense to me. I remained in the pew that day during Communion and did not receive the Eucharist in vain as I had planned to do. What was more...I was curious about these new things I heard and something within me began to open to the possibility that there may yet be more than I know to this whole Jesus thing.
As a young adult who had stopped going to Mass, I entered a Catholic church for the first time in a long time to go to a private Mass commemorating my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. Instead of the "feel-good" homily most would expect in this situation, the priest preached on the reality of the Holy Eucharist, the interior disposition needed to receive Him rightly, a catechesis on mortal sin, and even an exhortation to refrain from coming forward to receive Him if we do not believe that the Eucharist is really Jesus and/or if we are in a state of mortal sin. I was guilty of both.
I definitely believe it was the Holy Spirit who prompted the priest to say those things on that day, and I am incredibly grateful that he was courageous and bold enough to answer the call. I would later hear that others in attendance did not care much for what was said, but for me, it was an entirely new vision that I had never heard before. At the very least, I recognized the authenticity of this man - here is someone who really believes that Jesus and the Catholic Faith is real. And while I did not yet believe, the logic of being honest enough to not pretend to believe made sense to me. I remained in the pew that day during Communion and did not receive the Eucharist in vain as I had planned to do. What was more...I was curious about these new things I heard and something within me began to open to the possibility that there may yet be more than I know to this whole Jesus thing.
The Encounter
Not long after the homily that opened my horizons, in a rare quiet, lonely evening at the age of 21, I experienced a miraculous grace of introspection. For some reason, I sat down and started journalling even though that was not something I ever did. I wrote about the divorce of my parents that had happened years earlier and about my experience of it: how I felt, how it affected me, etc. I noticed how I had resolved at the time of my parents' divorce to bury it all and be strong. I noticed how deep down I truly felt like it was all my fault - maybe if I was a better kid or a better student, they wouldn't have argued so much. And as everything I was holding inside began to surface, the tears came and washed over it all. I came to a place of real humility. And in that moment I turned to God: "Jesus, I don't know if you're real, but if you are, I want you in my life. If you're real you have to show me."
Immediately, I experienced an overwhelming interior peace, a sense that not only was Jesus real, but He was there with me and He has always been there with me, just waiting for me to turn to Him and invite Him in. In the next moment I turned to Mary: "Mary, if you're real, I want you in my life too." Again, I knew she was there with me and always had been, waiting and working in my life to lead me to this moment. I personally experienced their love for me and it was overwhelming. I loved them back and it was a new beginning.
At the same time, I was a slave, bound in habitual mortal sin for the past several years. I carried the significant intellectual and emotional damage that comes as a result. So yes, it was a wonderful new beginning...but it would be a long road out of darkness. Only by God's grace did I ever make it out. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Mary!
Not long after the homily that opened my horizons, in a rare quiet, lonely evening at the age of 21, I experienced a miraculous grace of introspection. For some reason, I sat down and started journalling even though that was not something I ever did. I wrote about the divorce of my parents that had happened years earlier and about my experience of it: how I felt, how it affected me, etc. I noticed how I had resolved at the time of my parents' divorce to bury it all and be strong. I noticed how deep down I truly felt like it was all my fault - maybe if I was a better kid or a better student, they wouldn't have argued so much. And as everything I was holding inside began to surface, the tears came and washed over it all. I came to a place of real humility. And in that moment I turned to God: "Jesus, I don't know if you're real, but if you are, I want you in my life. If you're real you have to show me."
Immediately, I experienced an overwhelming interior peace, a sense that not only was Jesus real, but He was there with me and He has always been there with me, just waiting for me to turn to Him and invite Him in. In the next moment I turned to Mary: "Mary, if you're real, I want you in my life too." Again, I knew she was there with me and always had been, waiting and working in my life to lead me to this moment. I personally experienced their love for me and it was overwhelming. I loved them back and it was a new beginning.
At the same time, I was a slave, bound in habitual mortal sin for the past several years. I carried the significant intellectual and emotional damage that comes as a result. So yes, it was a wonderful new beginning...but it would be a long road out of darkness. Only by God's grace did I ever make it out. Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Mary!
The Return to the Sacramental Life
Three years later, December 2001, my sister who had recently returned to the Catholic Church challenged me: "Why don't you go to Confession?" I remember saying something about how I confess my sins directly to God. She didn't argue with me, she just asked simply: "Why don't you just go and see?" It made sense to me, and by this point I did have the right disposition to make a good Confession - knowledge, sorrow, and a firm purpose of amendment.
I returned to the Sacramental life of the Catholic Church by going to Confession and then participating in Mass immediately after and receiving the Eucharist in a state of grace. It was an extremely powerful encounter with Jesus and a living experience of the reality of the "Good News." I knew right then and there that it was all true. The Catholic Church is the real deal. I was amazed, but then I became fearful. I knew I was not living by the teachings of the Catholic Church and it seemed to me that no matter how much I may want to, I would never be able to do so. Nevertheless, I resolved to do my best.
Three years later, December 2001, my sister who had recently returned to the Catholic Church challenged me: "Why don't you go to Confession?" I remember saying something about how I confess my sins directly to God. She didn't argue with me, she just asked simply: "Why don't you just go and see?" It made sense to me, and by this point I did have the right disposition to make a good Confession - knowledge, sorrow, and a firm purpose of amendment.
I returned to the Sacramental life of the Catholic Church by going to Confession and then participating in Mass immediately after and receiving the Eucharist in a state of grace. It was an extremely powerful encounter with Jesus and a living experience of the reality of the "Good News." I knew right then and there that it was all true. The Catholic Church is the real deal. I was amazed, but then I became fearful. I knew I was not living by the teachings of the Catholic Church and it seemed to me that no matter how much I may want to, I would never be able to do so. Nevertheless, I resolved to do my best.
Freedom
I continued to battle against habitual mortal sin, but with new weapons: the Sacramental life. Every time I fell, I would go and lay it all out honestly in Confession and then receive the Eucharist in a state of grace. It was tormentingly difficult at times, but in relying on the truth of these Sacraments, I began to experience a very real strengthening over time that would culminate in living a new life of living in habitual sanctifying grace and in freedom from habitual mortal sin. I know the Catholic Church is real and the Sacraments are real, because their reality is the only explanation for how the chains that strangled my soul and my life, the chains I could not lift on my own, could ever have been broken.
Hungry for Truth
During this time of intense battle, I prayed deeply even outside of Confession and the Mass (mostly the Rosary and spontaneous prayer) and I started to experience an insatiable hunger for truth. I found myself watching EWTN at home and listening to Catholic radio in the car. I started reading Scripture, the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the lives of the Saints, apologetics books, etc. The Catechism had a major impact on me and hit me as the truth I have always known but never had the words for (most especially on the topic of human sexuality and chastity). I also bought a large library of CDs where Archbishop Fulton Sheen went through the Catechism piece by piece and I wore them out as listened over and over again. I also devoured Dr. Scott Hahn's cassette tapes by the sleeve. I was studying the Faith far more that what I was supposed to be studying at the graduate school I was already enrolled in, and so when I received a prompting from the Lord to go study graduate Theology at Franciscan University of Steubenville, I joyously accepted.
More to Come Soon...
I continued to battle against habitual mortal sin, but with new weapons: the Sacramental life. Every time I fell, I would go and lay it all out honestly in Confession and then receive the Eucharist in a state of grace. It was tormentingly difficult at times, but in relying on the truth of these Sacraments, I began to experience a very real strengthening over time that would culminate in living a new life of living in habitual sanctifying grace and in freedom from habitual mortal sin. I know the Catholic Church is real and the Sacraments are real, because their reality is the only explanation for how the chains that strangled my soul and my life, the chains I could not lift on my own, could ever have been broken.
Hungry for Truth
During this time of intense battle, I prayed deeply even outside of Confession and the Mass (mostly the Rosary and spontaneous prayer) and I started to experience an insatiable hunger for truth. I found myself watching EWTN at home and listening to Catholic radio in the car. I started reading Scripture, the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the lives of the Saints, apologetics books, etc. The Catechism had a major impact on me and hit me as the truth I have always known but never had the words for (most especially on the topic of human sexuality and chastity). I also bought a large library of CDs where Archbishop Fulton Sheen went through the Catechism piece by piece and I wore them out as listened over and over again. I also devoured Dr. Scott Hahn's cassette tapes by the sleeve. I was studying the Faith far more that what I was supposed to be studying at the graduate school I was already enrolled in, and so when I received a prompting from the Lord to go study graduate Theology at Franciscan University of Steubenville, I joyously accepted.
More to Come Soon...